Hope

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –
And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –
I’ve heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet – never – in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of me.
-Emily Dickinson
Today, I reminded myself that my son is here. My daughters are here. My husband loves his little boy with all his heart and is a pillar in a time of anxiety and uncertainty. My home is warm and full of love. My family and friends surround me.
Yes, this is an incredibly trying time. Yes, I weep randomly in fear of what is to come. Yes, it is a very real possibility that my son won’t be with us much longer. Yes, if I hear the pulse oximeter alarm one more time, I might take a hammer and smash it. Yes, it’s incredibly difficult to care for my other 2 daughters and do all that it entails while still meeting James’ needs (and my own – I went 5 days without a shower). Yes, we can’t really leave the house right now.
BUT – I choose not to focus on those things. I choose to look at the great day he had today and believe that there are many more great days to come. I choose to be grateful that he is here with us and that he is so loved and worried over by so many. I choose to believe that he might surprise everyone with his growth and strength.
It doesn’t make the hard days any less scary or stressful, but it keeps me centered on what’s important.
Today, I watched the girls play in the sprinkler while sitting beside James, and I felt warm and full and possibly even contentedly happy for a bit.
I choose hope instead of despair.
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