I am not spiritual or religious, but I appreciate the numerous people who pray for us and share our story with their church families. I would definitely lump myself into the agnostic category. I was raised Baptist, and that might be part of the reason that I eschew religion, or it might not be. It’s hard to tell. Right now, I would gratefully embrace religion, if it would give me other mechanisms for coping with this, but unfortunately, it’s not that easy.
Today something weird happened though. I was at my doctor’s appointment waiting to see the OB, waiting on my NST and ultrasound. Usually, sitting in the lobby with all the beaming, chatty mothers expecting healthy babies is a bit hard on me. I get grouchy and sort of close down – reading my book or a magazine. But today, as I was summoned to the back by the nurse, I stood up and suddenly felt a sense of superiority to the mothers around me. In my head, I thought, “I am carrying a special baby. I am carrying a baby that will need a mother and a medical advocate, that will need a white knight in the world to defend him and care for him.” I felt suddenly a deep sense of being special, of being chosen, to be James’ mother.
It might be all of the support I’ve received from everyone around me, telling me how brave I am and that there must be a plan for James, a reason that we were chosen to have this baby. Maybe it’s rubbing off. Maybe there is more to this life than what it appears, and maybe I was chosen. I genuinely don’t know the answer to that.
What I do know is that I am a fighter, I know that I can be brave, even when I’m scared, I know that I can advocate for the best medical care for him and the best decisions for him because I am his mother, and I know him best, and I know that all of those things are only going to help James in the days ahead.