This is going to sound absolutely crazy

I am not spiritual or religious, but I appreciate the numerous people who pray for us and share our story with their church families. I would definitely lump myself into the agnostic category. I was raised Baptist, and that might be part of the reason that I eschew religion, or it might not be. It’s hard to tell. Right now, I would gratefully embrace religion, if it would give me other mechanisms for coping with this, but unfortunately, it’s not that easy.

Today something weird happened though. I was at my doctor’s appointment waiting to see the OB, waiting on my NST and ultrasound. Usually, sitting in the lobby with all the beaming, chatty mothers expecting healthy babies is a bit hard on me. I get grouchy and sort of close down – reading my book or a magazine. But today, as I was summoned to the back by the nurse, I stood up and suddenly felt a sense of superiority to the mothers around me. In my head, I thought, “I am carrying a special baby. I am carrying a baby that will need a mother and a medical advocate, that will need a white knight in the world to defend him and care for him.” I felt suddenly a deep sense of being special, of being chosen, to be James’ mother.

It might be all of the support I’ve received from everyone around me, telling me how brave I am and that there must be a plan for James, a reason that we were chosen to have this baby. Maybe it’s rubbing off. Maybe there is more to this life than what it appears, and maybe I was chosen. I genuinely don’t know the answer to that.

What I do know is that I am a fighter, I know that I can be brave, even when I’m scared, I know that I can advocate for the best medical care for him and the best decisions for him because I am his mother, and I know him best, and I know that all of those things are only going to help James in the days ahead.

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3 thoughts on “This is going to sound absolutely crazy

  1. You are special. With in a few days of finding out about my babies trisomy I felt a shift in me, I felt a sudden strong connection with Mary the mother of Jesus. To know that she too carried a son she knew would die, and she had to watch die. She was so full of grace and wisdom, though I am sure there were many times she cied out “why me” in anger. I felt a strong sense of purpose during my pregnancy. To keep this baby safe until it was his time. And even more, to decide how am I going to leave a legacy for my 3 other girls age 8,11,13. For they will remeber this forever and it will shape the core of their being. Secretly I felt like an angel of God on a mission. One evening my husband stopped in his tracks and looked at me the funniest way. When I asked him why, he said in the most loving way that I looked like an angel. I will remeber that moment forever. I don’t believe God caused my baby to have trisomy. But I do believe that he mourned for me and with me, and made his presence known through the immense joy I experienced during this time. That in itself is a miracle. Not to mention we had many other signs that could only be explained as spiritual. So know that you are special, you are a special family, and James was made for you and you for him.

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  2. You are amazing. Simply amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your deepest emotions with us during this trying time. As someone who is not one your closest friends, I still care about you immensely and think about you often. Thank you for allowing me and others into knowing how you are doing. I had a huge smile on my face when you said- “I am carrying a special baby. I am carrying a baby that will need a mother and a medical advocate, that will need a white knight in the world to defend him and care for him.” In my mind I Woohoo-ed out loud and gave you a big hug!! You are an astounding doctor, mentor, co-worker, and friend. James has one of the most amazing mother and father a little boy could ask for.

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